Taking a step back

A realization this morning, again, that truly living into the word is not an everyday journey, but more like an every hour, every minute journey. Impossible? Well, yes. That is why it can only be approached through faith and surrender to the Spirit.

At a particular point in time, I can become irritated with others to the point of distraction, wanting things to be just so, just as I would have them. In this irritation I feel dark, lonely, defeated, and it doesn't take long to begin to feel sorry for myself, in the sense that no one understands me or appreciates me or even cares about what I think. As it has been my entire life, I think, I am worthless and this just proves it. What a painful cycle! There is no God in that, only darkness that, left unaddressed, will cause more darkness to fester, ending in the evaporation of hope, a life wasted out of fear to live it.

Then, it occurs to me as the Spirit speaks, gently and calmly, that the things which irritate me the most in other people, are the very things I despise most about myself. When I see those things manifest themselves in the behaviour of others, I immediately feel compelled to fix those things in them, which is an effort destined to fail before it even begins. If I haven't repaired my own weakness, how can I even think that I am going to repair that same perceived fault in someone else?

It is then that I have to pray for forgiveness. And, I pray for the humility to be more understanding, first of my own need to strengthen my faith through surrender of my own faults, and then to be accepting of the others in whom God resides, even though I may not be able to see it right away or at all through the veil of my own ego.

In this Holy Week, I celebrate the ultimate humility demonstrated by God himself, and try to remember that only through losing oneself does one find the new life. Only through the pain of the cross can there be the joy of life.